The Crazy Mum Returns

I’ve been away from the blogosphere for a while. I’ve tried writing posts, but somehow it hasn’t worked out. This is about my fifth attempt at writing this post. I’m struggling with a lot of things at the moment. I don’t want to sound like I’m having a whinge, but I do want to try and be honest. I hope that if anybody reading this feels, or has felt, the same way, my honesty will help them, even if it’s just to know that they aren’t alone.

My depression is getting worse, I think. There are times where I can’t face anything, so I just sleep, and I feel like those times have been more frequent lately. When I am awake I am often very down, don’t know what to do with myself, or panicking about nothing. I hate that feeling of anxiety, and I get it more and more lately. Sometimes I panic for a reason, like money or being late, or most often, using the telephone.

I’ve never really liked the telephone. It’s always made me a bit nervous. I’d rather talk in person or even better, communicate in writing. I’m quite shy and I always seem to stumble over my words on the phone, so I’d rather avoid it. Recently though, it’s been worse. I’m no longer a bit nervous about it. I’m scared. I panic when the phone rings, and I can’t bring myself to make phonecalls. I don’t know exactly what I’m scared of. With companies, I am often scared they’re going to spring a surprise bill on me. With personal contacts that they will remind me of something I have forgotten or failed to do, that they’ll think badly of me. I forget or fail to do a lot of things, usually because I’m too busy being miserable. I can’t tell them this though, which means to them I just look lazy or stupid. All of that aside though, I am just really frightened of talking on the telephone. To anybody. I wish I didn’t have a telephone.

Something else has cropped up lately as well. I don’t know what it is. Paranoia, I suppose. Fear. I’m frightened a lot of the time. Thoughts just come into my head and then I’m frightened. On the way to one of our parent/child groups, we go down some concrete steps. This would not have caused me a problem before. I would have walked down the steps, and warned E to walk carefully so as not to fall and hurt herself. Now, suddenly I’m thinking about how easy it would be for me to fall and hit my head, and what would happen to me. What would happen to Bird and Baby Turtle without me there to guide them home. Then I am walking down the steps in fear, taking every step with utmost care, holding tight onto the railing. This isn’t the only example of this kind of thinking. What if a car swerved while I was walking on the pavement? What if I accidentally dropped Baby Turtle? I know we mothers are natural worriers, but it’s not normal to be scared like this all the time, is it?

I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be depressed or anxious, or scared going about my daily life.

I finally plucked up the courage to call the new doctor. This was a victory, because:

  1. I used the telephone.
  2. I didn’t chicken out when I was put on hold
  3. Seeing a doctor is scary even without the telephone part, especially after the last time.

The receptionist was very apologetic when she told me there were no appointments available. I could call again the next morning, or take a pre-booked appointment. I took a pre-booked appointment for the end of the month. If I’m feeling brave I’ll try and get an earlier one and cancel the one I don’t need.

I hope this will be the beginning of getting better. I hope this doctor will help me, because I don’t know what I will do if they won’t.

Because this post is pretty miserable, here are a couple of positive things about the last couple of weeks:

  • We now have a dining table so we can have nice family meals together in the evening. I think it helps us all bond, which is very much appreciated as I often find it very hard to feel close to my children when I am down.
  • I have a Thorntons ‘Love Fudge’ Easter egg waiting in the cupboard. I am looking forward to devouring it when the time comes.

I hope you are all doing well!


11 thoughts on “The Crazy Mum Returns”

  1. beccah, I am just like this too, especially with the telephone but I am older and don’t have any little ones who rely on me. Hope you will see the doctor soon….although my mood is still up and down, at least I don’t feel frightened all the time now I’m taking medication. I’m just waiting to see a psychologist for some therapy which was also arranged by my doctor. You have been very brave speaking out like this and don’t forget you are not alone….are you on Black Dog Tribe….there are lots of us on there trying to support each other. I’ve been looking at the Easter Eggs today at Morrisons…..soon be time to buy a family trolley load :-) *love and hugs* Irene :-)

    1. Thank you for taking the time to write this lovely comment. I hope this doctor I’m going to see will be helpful as my last one had a terrible attitude. I have joined BDT. I don’t post, but I’ve found it really helpful to read other people’s experiences. It really is good to know that I’m not alone.

  2. As I read your post its likely hearing my thoughts. You are not alone. I don’t share about my PND on my blog its like to focus on my son. Its times like this that I share. You’ve done the right thing, when you have your appointment me open and honest, the more honest you are the better it is for your doctor to help. I was nervous when I had my appointment I was scared to share but I was given the advice I’ve just shared with you. Things will not happen over night but with time and support it will get better.

    Enjoy that chocolate :0)

    1. Thank you for your comment. I really want to get better, so will be as honest as I can. It’s very scary, but I’m focusing on how this can help me. Thank you again.

  3. Firstly ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) :)

    Secondly, you are so brave to share all your thoughts here on your blog, and to be thinking that by doing so may help others is something you should be proud of ;)

    I think I’ve said before I wish I had a magic wand for you, but I haven’t :(

    Keeping my fingers crossed that this new doctor will be better and can help.

    Take care honey, stay safe, and keep strong….remember, you’ve got this far, and hopefully, it WILL get better for you


  4. Hi, I just want to say that you really are not alone. In fact it is comforting to me to read about some-ones experiences that are similar to my own. I have had panic attacks and anxiety all my life. They seem to get worse in times of stress, and I often feel very depressed. About 8 yrs ago I had a car accident and lost my grandmother to cancer. At this point my anxiety levels reached an all time high. I become agrophobic after panic attacks meant i could not drive. I have to rely on my partner to go to work or outings, I lost my independence and became very depressed. I was offered counselling and waited over a year, however the service discontinued and I gave up. i have felt much better in recent years, I am back driving and I go out, however I have days where I barely get through I feel so anxious that I am going to have an atttack and faint in front of others. Supermarket shopping can be a nightmare, especially the bit where go through the till and feel trapped and have to leave. I hope your GP helps you. Best wishes.

  5. As others have said, you are not alone. I didn’t know whether to laugh with relief or cry with recognition – especially the panic and fears about the steps. I feel like this about the stairs in my own house. I really really hope you find a doctor who listens and makes you feel that they care. I was lucky, and eventually found someone who was offering CBT sessions through our local children’s centre, and I hit it off with her, and it has worked to a fairly significant degree. I still have bad days, and still lie awake thinking about what could go wrong tomorrow (a walk by the river? The pushchair might fall in… etc) but I’m learning to trust myself and my inner strength more. *big hugs* and good luck xxx

    1. These replies have made me really glad I plucked up the courage to post. I’m so happy to hear that you are getting better – gives me a lot of hope that I might be able to as well. Thank you for taking the time to comment, and best of luck with your recovery :)

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