I’ve been away from the blogosphere for a while. I’ve tried writing posts, but somehow it hasn’t worked out. This is about my fifth attempt at writing this post. I’m struggling with a lot of things at the moment. I don’t want to sound like I’m having a whinge, but I do want to try and be honest. I hope that if anybody reading this feels, or has felt, the same way, my honesty will help them, even if it’s just to know that they aren’t alone.
My depression is getting worse, I think. There are times where I can’t face anything, so I just sleep, and I feel like those times have been more frequent lately. When I am awake I am often very down, don’t know what to do with myself, or panicking about nothing. I hate that feeling of anxiety, and I get it more and more lately. Sometimes I panic for a reason, like money or being late, or most often, using the telephone.
I’ve never really liked the telephone. It’s always made me a bit nervous. I’d rather talk in person or even better, communicate in writing. I’m quite shy and I always seem to stumble over my words on the phone, so I’d rather avoid it. Recently though, it’s been worse. I’m no longer a bit nervous about it. I’m scared. I panic when the phone rings, and I can’t bring myself to make phonecalls. I don’t know exactly what I’m scared of. With companies, I am often scared they’re going to spring a surprise bill on me. With personal contacts that they will remind me of something I have forgotten or failed to do, that they’ll think badly of me. I forget or fail to do a lot of things, usually because I’m too busy being miserable. I can’t tell them this though, which means to them I just look lazy or stupid. All of that aside though, I am just really frightened of talking on the telephone. To anybody. I wish I didn’t have a telephone.
Something else has cropped up lately as well. I don’t know what it is. Paranoia, I suppose. Fear. I’m frightened a lot of the time. Thoughts just come into my head and then I’m frightened. On the way to one of our parent/child groups, we go down some concrete steps. This would not have caused me a problem before. I would have walked down the steps, and warned E to walk carefully so as not to fall and hurt herself. Now, suddenly I’m thinking about how easy it would be for me to fall and hit my head, and what would happen to me. What would happen to Bird and Baby Turtle without me there to guide them home. Then I am walking down the steps in fear, taking every step with utmost care, holding tight onto the railing. This isn’t the only example of this kind of thinking. What if a car swerved while I was walking on the pavement? What if I accidentally dropped Baby Turtle? I know we mothers are natural worriers, but it’s not normal to be scared like this all the time, is it?
I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be depressed or anxious, or scared going about my daily life.
I finally plucked up the courage to call the new doctor. This was a victory, because:
- I used the telephone.
- I didn’t chicken out when I was put on hold
- Seeing a doctor is scary even without the telephone part, especially after the last time.
The receptionist was very apologetic when she told me there were no appointments available. I could call again the next morning, or take a pre-booked appointment. I took a pre-booked appointment for the end of the month. If I’m feeling brave I’ll try and get an earlier one and cancel the one I don’t need.
I hope this will be the beginning of getting better. I hope this doctor will help me, because I don’t know what I will do if they won’t.
Because this post is pretty miserable, here are a couple of positive things about the last couple of weeks:
- We now have a dining table so we can have nice family meals together in the evening. I think it helps us all bond, which is very much appreciated as I often find it very hard to feel close to my children when I am down.
- I have a Thorntons ‘Love Fudge’ Easter egg waiting in the cupboard. I am looking forward to devouring it when the time comes.
I hope you are all doing well!