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Reasons To Be Cheerful – Week 25

I’m a bit out of practise, but here goes!

  1. I woke up from an accidental nap and found myself snuggled in my bed between Bird and Baby Turtle (Frog was at school), and felt so very blessed.
  2. Today, with some encouragement from Curly Dad, Frog and I tidied and cleaned the children’s bedrooms. They were looking a state, so that’s a load off my mind, and I’m proud that I got going and did something productive.
  3. I’m looking forward to reading lots of posts about Britmums Live!, and hopefully picking up some blogging tips from those who went!

Have a fabulous week!

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Curly Mum and the Doctor

Three weeks ago, I plucked up the courage to call my new doctor about my mental health. On Saturday, I finally had my appointment.

On Friday night, I barely slept. I was filled with nervousness and dread. On Saturday morning, I woke up long before my alarm and lay in bed waiting for it. When it finally went off, I crept around the house getting ready, careful not to wake the family. I got about halfway to the doctor’s surgery before I seriously considered turning around and going back to bed to hide. I kept walking. I was there about ten minutes early for my appointment and sat in the over-hot waiting room with my heart thundering in my chest. I thought about getting up and leaving. I watched the doctor arrive, walking in and out of his office for a few minutes sorting things out. It felt like an age before the notice flashed up telling me I could go in.

I sat down in the doctor’s office and it took me a minute or two to actually speak. I tried a few times and all that came out was shaky nonsense. The doctor was incredibly patient and waited for me to calm down a bit, then asked questions and prompted me which made it a lot easier to talk about everything. As the appointment went on, I felt more relaxed and able to talk. The doctor was listening. He was taking me seriously. He wasn’t going to tell me it wasn’t that bad, or that he couldn’t do anything. He actually wanted to help me. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Eventually I cried. The doctor didn’t mind.

He said I should try some anti-depressants, so we went through his medicine guide to look at which one would be best for me. He was understanding of the fact that I don’t want to stop breast feeding Turtle, so we found one that wouldn’t cause her harm. It was such a dramatically different appointment to the ones I had with my previous doctor. This doctor was patient, understanding, and took my thoughts on my illness and treatment into account. I didn’t feel at all upset, belittled, or crazy. I have to go back for another appointment in two weeks time, and I’m not nervous at all. Actually, seeing the doctor again is something I’m happy about. It’s reassuring to know that I’ll be able to discuss anything that I want to, and that I have support there if I need it.

I’ve been on my new medication for a few days now, and have had some of the most common side effects – nausea, some anxiety – but nothing too difficult to deal with. I’m feeling less nauseous today than yesterday, so that’s good. Today I have cleaned most of the kitchen, done some laundry, and enjoyed reading in the conservatory while the children played outside. I know I’m not going to recover overnight, but right now I’m feeling positive. I’ve got some help, and that’s taken a weight off my shoulders. I feel like I can get better, one step at a time.

Reasons To Be Cheerful – Week 12

  1. The sun is shining today. We went out to town to grab a few things we needed and had snacks from the bakery.
  2. While we were out, I wrapped Baby Turtle onto my back and people looking seemed impressed/approving which made me feel proud.
  3. I got a call this afternoon offering Bird a place at nursery in the afternoons starting after Easter. We thought she’d have to wait until September. I just know she’ll love it!
  4. The fabric I ordered online arrived this week, and I’m going to make Frog a mei tai carrier for her baby doll.
  5. Curly Dad has been spoiling me with affection and little gifts which has made me feel very special.

Hope you have a lovely week too!

Reasons To Be Cheerful – Week 11

  1. Yesterday I had a soak in the bath with some gorgeous-smelling bubbles which was very relaxing. It felt extra good because the bubbles were on special offer so saved some pennies there too!
  2. Baby Turtle has settled down a lot more and no longer objects to sleeping in her cot.
  3. Today I made biscuits. The last time I made biscuits was many years ago and they were a disaster. I am proud to say that today’s batch was not at all disastrous and Little Bird enjoyed helping out. Pictures to follow!

Have a fabulous week!

Mother’s Day Meme

Describe motherhood in three words. Tiring. Scary. Wonderful.

Does your experience differ from your mother’s — how? I’m sure we had very different experiences! My mother raised my sisters and brother as a single parent. When I was born she went to work and my father took care of me. The opposite of me and mine! We also parent in quite different ways, which I think is in part due to the different times that we had our children in.

What’s the hardest thing about being a mum?  Having to keep going when I’m really tired or unwell.

What’s the best thing? My children growing into their own people, becoming individuals and showing their kindness and creativity. The fantastic, uninhibited imagination of children, and when they share and play together.

How has it changed you? It’s changed me a lot. I care more deeply about things. I consider things more carefully before making a decision. I have become a happier, kinder person in order to set a better example for my children.

What do you hope for your children? I hope that they will find people that love them and things they enjoy and that they will be happy in whatever they do.

What do you fear for them? I worry that my mental illness may affect them as they grow up, that it may cause them to resent me for not being as good a mother as I could be, or worse that they will suffer as I do. I worry that society’s traditions and ideals will drag them down.

What makes it all worthwhile? Cuddles and kisses. The faith that my children have in me, even when I’m doubting myself.

I’m tagging any parent that would like to give this a go! If you’d like to read the original meme, it can be found at more-than-a-mum.com

The Crazy Mum Returns

I’ve been away from the blogosphere for a while. I’ve tried writing posts, but somehow it hasn’t worked out. This is about my fifth attempt at writing this post. I’m struggling with a lot of things at the moment. I don’t want to sound like I’m having a whinge, but I do want to try and be honest. I hope that if anybody reading this feels, or has felt, the same way, my honesty will help them, even if it’s just to know that they aren’t alone.

My depression is getting worse, I think. There are times where I can’t face anything, so I just sleep, and I feel like those times have been more frequent lately. When I am awake I am often very down, don’t know what to do with myself, or panicking about nothing. I hate that feeling of anxiety, and I get it more and more lately. Sometimes I panic for a reason, like money or being late, or most often, using the telephone.

I’ve never really liked the telephone. It’s always made me a bit nervous. I’d rather talk in person or even better, communicate in writing. I’m quite shy and I always seem to stumble over my words on the phone, so I’d rather avoid it. Recently though, it’s been worse. I’m no longer a bit nervous about it. I’m scared. I panic when the phone rings, and I can’t bring myself to make phonecalls. I don’t know exactly what I’m scared of. With companies, I am often scared they’re going to spring a surprise bill on me. With personal contacts that they will remind me of something I have forgotten or failed to do, that they’ll think badly of me. I forget or fail to do a lot of things, usually because I’m too busy being miserable. I can’t tell them this though, which means to them I just look lazy or stupid. All of that aside though, I am just really frightened of talking on the telephone. To anybody. I wish I didn’t have a telephone.

Something else has cropped up lately as well. I don’t know what it is. Paranoia, I suppose. Fear. I’m frightened a lot of the time. Thoughts just come into my head and then I’m frightened. On the way to one of our parent/child groups, we go down some concrete steps. This would not have caused me a problem before. I would have walked down the steps, and warned E to walk carefully so as not to fall and hurt herself. Now, suddenly I’m thinking about how easy it would be for me to fall and hit my head, and what would happen to me. What would happen to Bird and Baby Turtle without me there to guide them home. Then I am walking down the steps in fear, taking every step with utmost care, holding tight onto the railing. This isn’t the only example of this kind of thinking. What if a car swerved while I was walking on the pavement? What if I accidentally dropped Baby Turtle? I know we mothers are natural worriers, but it’s not normal to be scared like this all the time, is it?

I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be depressed or anxious, or scared going about my daily life.

I finally plucked up the courage to call the new doctor. This was a victory, because:

  1. I used the telephone.
  2. I didn’t chicken out when I was put on hold
  3. Seeing a doctor is scary even without the telephone part, especially after the last time.

The receptionist was very apologetic when she told me there were no appointments available. I could call again the next morning, or take a pre-booked appointment. I took a pre-booked appointment for the end of the month. If I’m feeling brave I’ll try and get an earlier one and cancel the one I don’t need.

I hope this will be the beginning of getting better. I hope this doctor will help me, because I don’t know what I will do if they won’t.

Because this post is pretty miserable, here are a couple of positive things about the last couple of weeks:

  • We now have a dining table so we can have nice family meals together in the evening. I think it helps us all bond, which is very much appreciated as I often find it very hard to feel close to my children when I am down.
  • I have a Thorntons ‘Love Fudge’ Easter egg waiting in the cupboard. I am looking forward to devouring it when the time comes.

I hope you are all doing well!

Reasons To Be Cheerful – Week 8

I’ve missed a couple of weeks of this due to moving house and having very little access to the internet, but I’m back again now with reasons to be cheerful!

  1. We’ve settled into our new home and it now takes me 15 minutes to take Frog to school and get back, rather than 1 hour, saving me about 90 precious minutes of my day.
  2. My favourite baby product, CJ’s BUTTer Creamy Lotion, is on special offer at the moment.
  3. Yesterday we reconnected with some old and very good friends and it was great to spend time with them again.
  4. I won a nappy in a Facebook competition. It arrived this morning and was coincidentally in my favourite colour.
  5. Tomorrow we’ll be off to Ikea to buy Baby Turtle a proper cot now that we have more space, and I’m looking forward to setting it all up nicely for her.

Have a fabulous week!