Tag Archives: womanhood

Curly Mum and the Doctor

Three weeks ago, I plucked up the courage to call my new doctor about my mental health. On Saturday, I finally had my appointment.

On Friday night, I barely slept. I was filled with nervousness and dread. On Saturday morning, I woke up long before my alarm and lay in bed waiting for it. When it finally went off, I crept around the house getting ready, careful not to wake the family. I got about halfway to the doctor’s surgery before I seriously considered turning around and going back to bed to hide. I kept walking. I was there about ten minutes early for my appointment and sat in the over-hot waiting room with my heart thundering in my chest. I thought about getting up and leaving. I watched the doctor arrive, walking in and out of his office for a few minutes sorting things out. It felt like an age before the notice flashed up telling me I could go in.

I sat down in the doctor’s office and it took me a minute or two to actually speak. I tried a few times and all that came out was shaky nonsense. The doctor was incredibly patient and waited for me to calm down a bit, then asked questions and prompted me which made it a lot easier to talk about everything. As the appointment went on, I felt more relaxed and able to talk. The doctor was listening. He was taking me seriously. He wasn’t going to tell me it wasn’t that bad, or that he couldn’t do anything. He actually wanted to help me. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Eventually I cried. The doctor didn’t mind.

He said I should try some anti-depressants, so we went through his medicine guide to look at which one would be best for me. He was understanding of the fact that I don’t want to stop breast feeding Turtle, so we found one that wouldn’t cause her harm. It was such a dramatically different appointment to the ones I had with my previous doctor. This doctor was patient, understanding, and took my thoughts on my illness and treatment into account. I didn’t feel at all upset, belittled, or crazy. I have to go back for another appointment in two weeks time, and I’m not nervous at all. Actually, seeing the doctor again is something I’m happy about. It’s reassuring to know that I’ll be able to discuss anything that I want to, and that I have support there if I need it.

I’ve been on my new medication for a few days now, and have had some of the most common side effects – nausea, some anxiety – but nothing too difficult to deal with. I’m feeling less nauseous today than yesterday, so that’s good. Today I have cleaned most of the kitchen, done some laundry, and enjoyed reading in the conservatory while the children played outside. I know I’m not going to recover overnight, but right now I’m feeling positive. I’ve got some help, and that’s taken a weight off my shoulders. I feel like I can get better, one step at a time.

Getting Back To Grooving

Due to NaNoWriMo, which ate most of my November this year, I have fallen a bit behind with all of this grooving business. I’m still catching up with what all the lovely ladies have been doing, and I haven’t paid all that much attention to the targets I’d set myself, so I thought I’d have a bit of a ‘reboot’. I want to start by looking back on what I’ve achieved since the beginning of Kate’s Grooving Mums Blog-Hop, and then I want to refresh my list of targets to go for over the coming weeks.

Since grooving mums began, I have come quite a way, I think. In some areas I have leapt forwards, in others I’m needing to take baby steps as and when I can. The most important thing for me is learning to think more positively, and to improve my self-confidence as a result. As a person I’m quite insecure and I need a lot of reassurance. I’m not very confident in myself, and I find that often I don’t think I’m worth much at all as a mother, wife or woman. Underneath all of that though, hiding away, is some self-believe, and the knowledge that if I really do put my mind to it, I can do things, and I can do them well. I just need to unlock that part of me. So far I’ve managed to get out and socialise a lot more, which does certainly make me feel better about myself, and I’ve been working hard to talk to my partner more about how I’m feeling so that he can understand and help me. I’m still having trouble motivating myself to do the things I want to around the house and with the children, but I’m doing better than I had been previously, and I’m feeling more positive about it looking forward. I’m also going to be starting a new module with the Open University next year, which I hope will be something to get my brain going again and make me feel more confident as a woman too.

Looking forward, I want to:

  1. Continue Socialising. I want to carry on with this, because I know if I let it slide a little, I’ll soon end up becoming shy and avoiding it like I was before. So I’m going to make the effort to go out and socialise at least once a week, whether that’s meeting up with family/friends, going out to a baby group or the new writing group I’ve become part of. If I’m really not feeling up to much, I want to at least make the effort to go out to clinic and weigh Baby Turtle.
  2. Read and Write. I’ve joined up to the More Than A Mum Online Bookclub, and my other half bought me a Kindle as a gift for completing NaNoWriMo, so now seems like the perfect time for me to pick up reading again. I love to read, but it had become one of the things that I didn’t have time for. Now I’m going to make time! The same with my writing. I am a writer. I need to write, because there are so many stories in my head, and I actually think I’m okay at it, so I am vowing now not to give up with my writing, and to make time for at least a couple of writing sessions a week, even if the sessions are only 20 minutes long.
  3. Get Organised. I’m a disorganised person. I generally live in moderate chaos, not quite knowing what’s going on, or what should be. I am untidy and always running late. It makes me unhappy. I have this dream of being a super-organised super-woman, where everything is perfect, neat, on time, and does not have baby sick on it. This I know is unrealistic, but I would like to get a little bit more order in my life. I’ve devised a little daily routine of everything I would like to fit into the day, including healthy meals, time for my hobbies, and time to spend teaching and playing with the children. This is one of the targets that requires baby steps though, I think. So, to begin with I’m going to try and get to bed every night at a 10:30pm, and get up at 7:15, which should be very doable, even with broken sleep. Hopefully this will allow me to get up and have a good breakfast, and thus feel more positive about the day ahead. When I’ve got into that routine, I shall work towards getting more out of my day.
  4. Drink More. This also fits in with Kate’s recent prompt for we grooving mums to have a look at our health. Other than skipping breakfast and probably eating too much chocolate, I like to think that I eat quite healthily. However, I certainly don’t drink enough. I think the target is supposed to be 8 glasses of water per day, which I don’t get close to, and most of what I do drink is tea or coffee. I think it will help me all round if I drink more, so I’m going to try and drink 8 glasses of good stuff per day and limit myself to just one caffeinated drink.

So there we have it. It’s great to be back with the grooving mums!

If you’d like to read more or join in with the blog-hop, check out Kate On Thin Ice or connect with us on Twitter using the hashtag #groovingmums!